Do you ever feel like the more successful you become the more you feel like a failure - BoJack Horseman

Well every once in a while you clench your fists, filled with determination think about trying something new and around 5% of the time you end up doing it depending upon your level of procrastination and with 50% chance of failure you actually fail or succeed half the time (Well, the choice of words is explicit here about using failure). So in a large portion of time you try something new once in a blue moon and you actually succeed. The first thought that hits you is why didn’t I do it earlier?! I wasted so much amount of time that I could have done it beforehand and perhaps be much more proficient in this or used the hypothetically available time factoring in your success to try out even more things with positive attitude.

But the problem with success is that once you get there you are sort of filled with a void because it’s the thriving nature to get there that enriches the taste of the whole journey. Once you get there you don’t really have anything to do. You end up with the thought gosh I should have talked to the person earlier or how did I miss this tool for so long. You factor in the benefit and compound the joy and then you get more miserable that you have lost the compounding effect. Like if a tool has saved you 5 minutes for a task and you have been doing it for a year. You are both happy that you have found it and miserable that you haven’t found it earlier. We seek maximum benefit out of something and fill in with if’s and but’s that helps some misery to sneak in.

So there comes a point where you seemed to have obtained the thing you wanted but you are still sort of filled with a void. Hey, if I tried this and it worked why didn’t I do this earlier. Now that I have this are there similar things that I never get to try out in my life that makes me useless through the span of time. Most people when I ramble that I don’t do anything and I don’t really have a meaning anymore in these stuff point me to this

Github

Though I contribute to code I still sort of feel I don’t do anything useful anymore. Maybe once you get the feeling you are good you sort of get trivial about what you have achieved and though you are making progress you don’t want to accept it. You can compare it with your previous self that you have a stable job, no debts and so on to sort of make yourself happy. But then you sort of try something out like reading and then you say wow books are nice why didn’t I read these books earlier. Now that I am 25 if I had read these at 20 I would have read more book and when you think back about your 20 you have wasted sometime and you feel little anguished. You also get to read questions like “What do you say to your 18 year age self?” that are filled with all the things you wanted to do but you didn’t and things that can be done in your 25 but you still won’t. It sort of leaves you with a hole though you have to settle with the present.

Yes, thank you, exactly. Settle. Because otherwise You’re just gonna get older and harder, and more alone. And you’re gonna do everything you can to fill that hole, with friends, and your career, and meaningless sex, but the hole doesn’t get filled. One day, you’re gonna look around and you’re going to realize that everybody loves you, but nobody likes you. And that is the loneliest feeling in the world - BoJack Horseman

On a similar note when you have met someone new that makes you comfortable you always wish to have met the person earlier. The same thing goes for death as well where you might not have talked to your friend or family due to some reason and once they are no more or ageing you have all the worries that gee I wish I had made that call, I wish I went home for that holiday and so on. Once you get to age it increases more over seeing your loved ones age and one day when you have to face these things you realise all those things you have prioritised over them suddenly feel useless though you have done the right thing at that point of time but you always wish to go back in time and re-prioritised little more but boooom time is gone and it’s irreversible.

So this is not really a post to motivate you to clench your fists and go haywire on your thoughts or make a call (do it if you want to anyway) but it’s more about little moments where you have to constantly face these if and else with time in mind to re-prioritise your past to live more with respect to the current situation. But you can’t really go back in time to change yourself than and if you ask me how to handle these I still don’t know and maybe I never will.

You might love the below post which was my initial inspiration to write this

Thinks about dinner